I am back home. Indeed, I consider Hakendover, a little village here in Belgium, as my home. It is the place where I grew up, where I ‘ve spend a lot of my life until now. But at the same time I am not sure if I will settle here again. My family lives here and that is the main reason why I come back. Home of the past, but also home of the future? Not sure yet.
I know I will start again someday. Settling down, being part of a social network.
But I don’t know what to do at this moment. Is the time ripe yet to settle or do I prefer one more year of travelling? I am in a kind of a void. Not sure what I want, difficult to make up my mind. I have no clarity about my future. Which direction I will go. Complete empty mind in this matter. This is not bad, it is just a state of being and I am sure that it will pass. That it will become clear again what to do, where to go. It feels like the time is not ripe yet for my heart to speak to me. This gives me an uneasy feeling sometimes. But I still have the trust that everything will be fine.
There are expectations from the world what I should do now. But I know that following expectations of others is not the way to be happy. I can do nothing else as waiting for my heart to speak to me, waiting for the things to change, waiting for clarity. Accepting unclarity. Accepting uncertain feeling. Accepting my not-knowing.
There are expectations in my own mind. But I also know that being attached to this expectations is cause for suffering. So, I also try to unmask them and let them go. I try to stay in the moment, to be with my breathing and to observe what comes. For the moment it is busy here at my parents place because of the big family party on Easter monday. It brings the family together in a nice way. I try to be here with them 100%. That’s my job right here right now. Afterwards, I will have time for myself again.
Everything changes. Unclarity becomes clarity. All I need is patience.
Ans Artwork by S. Williams, untitled, Landover, Maryland.
Posted by Ans 
